TORONTO - Tiger Woods will be glad to read this:
War in Iran! Nuclear bomb in Chicago! Tsunami ravages India! Quake flattens Frisco! Yellowstone explodes! Drought in the Deep South!
Just some of the cheery predictions from tarot queen Tara Greene.
Whew, eh, Tiger? Finally, we'll have something else to talk about.
Unless Mr. Woods has bimbo explosions awaiting in Iran, Chicago, India, Frisco, Yellowstone or Alabama.
You know, if I'd listened to Anthony Carr, the World's Most Documented Psychic, I'd have told you a year ago that Tiger was headed for heavy rough.
That he would be "publicly humiliated when steel balls, cleverly disguised in his driver to ensure extra power, are uncovered," as Tony wrote in his Stargazer -- Predictions and Prophecies.
Okay, the details are slightly off-line, but ...
"Following this, the only long drives he'll make will be in his car -- to the countryside, trying to escape the embarrassment."
Not bad, eh? And you thought fortune-telling was a farce.
On the other hand, Tony picked St. Louis Cardinals to take the World Series. Win some, lose some.
Nikki, Psychic to the Stars, who rounds out my annual seer trio, told me the Loch Ness monster would be captured. And Jennifer Aniston would have a child -- other than John Mayer, I mean.
Neither has happened -- though five days are left in 2009.
But, Nikki reminds me, she also foresaw Sarah Palin's tell-all book, Robin Williams' health problems, plus the deaths of Ted Kennedy, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.
A few things she expects in 2010:
Giant bats will attack a city in South America. I assume she means furry, flying blood-suckers, not Louisville Sluggers. The next World Baseball Classic is still three years away.
Meanwhile: Terrorist attacks in Germany, British Columbia, and California. A fire on Broadway. A famous castle burns down. Trouble on the moon. Avalanche at Whistler. Worldwide power blackout. Oil spill destroys the Mississippi. Cripes, anything good, Nikki?
"Breakthrough in diabetes." That's more like it.
The lost city of Atlantis is found. Before Osama bin Laden? Or maybe that's where he's been hiding.
New mummies are uncovered in Egypt. Which reminds me. I predict more Moonlight Ladies in 2010.
Now, back to the divining Ms. Greene. What sayeth the tarot, Tara? Aside from the catastrophes in the second paragraph.
"Osama bin Laden dies from health issues." Well, a black, twisted heart will do that to you. You mentioned a nuke?
She sees "a small nuclear bomb in a suitcase, in a major skyscraper in Chicago or New York, or both.
"Much devastation, loss of life, crop failures, riots."
In fact, Tara expects "revolution, uprisings and riots throughout the U.S.
"People ain't gonna take it anymore."
I hear you, sister. Reality TV is starting to piss me off, too.
Still on Hollywood: Jack Nicholson should see a doctor. George Clooney will get engaged. Brangelina is pregnant again.
"More falls from high places for public figures. Who's left? Who cares?"
Not us. We'll be too busy battling tsunamis, earthquakes, riots and nuclear bombs.
"A kind of fruit fly carries a new virus from South America."
Oh, great. The Fruit Fly Flu. Headline writers will go crazy.
On the upside, Tara says, there'll be a cancer breakthrough and liver cloning will lead to the first bionic humans.
Expect cheap new energy sources -- from spontaneous combustion. Also, UFO sightings will increase. A coincidence?
And here's a scary one:
Kids will unite their brainwaves to alter the thoughts of parents, teachers and world leaders to make the world saner.
Naw. We tried that in the '70s. All we got was big hair, feminists and disco.
What about the Super Bowl, Tara?
"Dallas Cowboys will win -- and I don't even follow sports."
Over to you, World's Most Documented Psychic.
"President Obama is caught in flagrante delicto with both Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton."
C'mon, Tony, get serious.
"Prince Charles turns his back on the British crown for emotional reasons. Prince Andrew ascends."
Andrew!!?? Please, not Andrew!!!
"Fidel Castro finally keels over."
Have a cigar.
"Killer wasps invade the White House."
Yes, some WASPS still aren't keen on a black president.
"Stephen Harper wins four terms ... and I'm not even a conservative.
"But the next prime minister is a woman."
Excellent. Maybe now, Tiger Woods will play the Canadian Open.
MIKE STROBEL'S COLUMN RUNS WEDNESDAY TO FRIDAY, AND SUNDAY. MIKE.STROBEL@SUNMEDIA.CA OR 416-947-2265.