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So the rocket scientists have it all figured out.
If you wear the jersey of an NHL team other than the Flames and you're in the vicinity of 17 Ave. S.W. and you say something like "How about those Flames?" to somebodies who don't like you saying such a thing, and you get your head kicked in, you were cruising for a bruising and the assault is predictable and understandable.
Yes indeed, whatever happens to the story of the beat-up Oilers fan on the Tuesday Sun's frontpage, who are the dolts who dream up such loony logic?
Let's just apply what passes for their brainwave to the playoffs as a whole, shall we? Let's say it's after a game on 17 Ave. Let's say some fans wear opposition jerseys. Let's say their team wins a game and they say whatever they damn well feel. Now let's say some pie-eyed little pukes get peeved off because their itty-bitty feelings are hurt.
Is it predictable and understandable for all or any of the opposing team's fans who spoke to have the crap booted out of them? Come on. They did go down to 17 Ave. They knew Flames fans were out and about. They should have shut up, shouldn't they? Doesn't their lack of sense warrant a visit to the hospital? So goes the loopy logic.
And if the opposition jerseys are many, as in whenever the Flames and Oilers do meet in the playoffs, we wouldn't just have random beatings, we would have riots worthy of the national news, a real battle of Alberta and exactly what city police feared in '06 before the Ducks cut the party short.
Unfathomable ignorance or what.
Is this what Calgary is becoming, the new Calgary?
Don't answer.
What we do know is this stupidity is part of why the Red Mile has turned into the Rude Mile in four years, a one-off spontaneous whoop-up because the Flames finally made the playoffs turns into a coalition of the swilling taunting cops, picking fights, destroying property, showing zero respect for residents and businesses in the area, doing everything from defecating in public to driving drunk to setting off fireworks in a crowd to scrawling graffiti.
And these are no isolated incidents.
Ask the police.
And if you object to the snotty-nosed, potty-mouthed performances in the playpen you're labelled an enemy of fun or a Flames-hater and if you dare live or work in the area you are told you deserve what you get. Don't want a little roughing up, move to Cranston. Yikes.
By the way, where were these meatballs with the shiny new jerseys all the years the Flames weren't winning? To be lectured on what it means to be a Flames fan by these hijackers of fun, these wet-behind-the-ears bandwagon-jumpers is an insult all its own.
Then there are other instances where the gray matter doesn't add up. We have the chorus saying Calgary is not THAT bad. It's worse elsewhere. In many parts of the world just wearing a jersey in the wrong place is an invitation to nastiness.
So. So what if it's worse elsewhere. As a columnist, I was in the middle of a soccer riot in France in 1998, complete with riot police, tear gas and all sorts battered. So what.
Does anyone want to change the flipping city slogan? Welcome to Calgary. It's Worse Elsewhere. Duh.
At this point let us listen to Insp. Bob Ritchie, commander of District 1, which includes the downtown and 17 Ave. S.W.
The inspector, born and raised in Calgary and a very reasonable individual with lots of experience, says his people take all assaults seriously, whether people wear hockey jerseys or not.
Insp. Bob acknowledges we've come way since 1989 when the Flames won the Cup and fans partied like human beings on the Electric Avenue bar strip after the victory.
Now it is 17 Ave. S.W. and, my words and not the inspector's, some folks think stupid isn't so stupid anymore. Drop the blinkers. This city hasn't been so far away from something really ugly going down.
"As a police service we don't own this. We're not condoning it, we're not hosting it," says the inspector, of the annual stagger to 17 Ave.
"This is work. We are there to protect the public. The laws continue to apply and we are prepared to respond. People breaking the law will be dealt with according to the law."
In fact, police brass will go over a plan for the playoffs as early as tomorrow.
The District 1 commander says he'd like everybody to get along and enjoy themselves.
But he also realizes some are willing to lower the standards and rationalize what before was condemned.
"It's a sad state where society is at," says Insp. Bob, who adds he has hope in the support of the vast majority.
"Maybe common sense is coming to people," he says.
And, after all, is common sense too much to ask?